Sunday, March 13, 2011

Romance: Confused Love...ends.

I am now in my quarter life (25 years of age) and as i look forward to the future, i cannot predict whether i'll be having my own family or will be an old maid/spinster. I am not in a hurry to be tied to someone for the lifetime. I am just wondering and thinking if i am wasting a lot of my times loving and growing with someone who will not be my partner for the lifetime. Indeed, there are a lot of people in the world and each is unique individual. We varies in thinking, belief, culture and perception about life. 

These past few months had been a roller coaster journey for me. My happiness undergo inflations and deflations, and it makes me oh so crazy and crazier every day. I am a simple lady. I am shallow, low maintenance, down-to-earth, funny, cowboy and crazy one who likes to love and be loved. I get attracted to a guy who can build a good conversation, a guy who knows how to treat a woman with so much respect and concern, a guy who loves  his family, a guy who can make me laugh and a guy who knows how to value the one he loves. The thing is i easily fall in love with someone and once i fall in love, i fall rock bottom. I don't care what others will say as long as i am happy with that person, i am in love with the person and we are not hurting anyone, i know i am very much in love. 

I always hope for a lasting relationship. Every day i would pray that the person i am committed myself with is the one i will be spending my whole life time. I respect, understand, support and love with all my heart and soul. I commit myself 100%. Each day of loving him is like each day's the last day i will be spending with him. I make the most out of my time. I invest my whole heart in the relationship and to the person. 

I recently found love. A love which i thought was something destined by Him for me. It is something i look forward to every day. Seeing his name on my phone, seeing his name on my wall, hearing his voice over the phone are the things that fueled my heart each day. I always thought that this person was just a dream. Yes! I have always been dreaming of loving and being loved by this person since the first time i got to talk to him. It wasn't just a crush nor just an attraction. I knew back then where i stand. And the more i know him the stronger my feelings for him developed, yet it isn't not the time yet. No, that wasn't even my thought. I remember telling myself that there is no chance this guy would like me. I was yelled at, and i cried. I was criticized in front of many people, and i controlled myself not to cry. I know for a fact that i am not the type of woman he would be having feelings to. God knows how happy i am every time i see him, every time he noticed me, every time he would smile at me. My heart would be wanting to beat so much. That's how much i have been in so much love for him. 

I never thought that dreams like that happens in reality. Indeed, God has plans for us. In unexpected time God gives us something to be happy about. Every time i got to be with him was always happiness for me. Atmosphere's light, i am all smiles, i can't contain my happiness, yet i am left confused. I tried understanding him and listen to everything he says. Each moment i am with him will be forever remembered. 

I won't forget the first time we had dinner, the first time we watched a movie, first time he held my hand, first time he put his arm on my shoulder, first time he looked me in my eyes, first time he pissed me, first time he made me so kilig, first time we went to church together, first time he cried in front of me, first time he kissed me, first time he hugged me tight, first time we argued, first time we laughed together, first time we planned for our future together, first time we had meal with his family...and the first time he told me he loves me...  all of these i will never ever forget. [Boo! i am on the brink of crying so hard...]

I promised myself that i will never hurt this man. I promised to accept him, to understand, to care for him, to support him and to love him. But life is truly unpredictable. People, places, things and event do really change. I thought everything was okay then. I felt i was left in the air, i was left with not even a single idea what was going on. Every day and every night i would be thinking of him, of me and us and would be shedding tears. I was crying not because i was hurting. I was crying because i am so damn scared to lose him. He was my source of happiness, strength, love and inspiration. My heart and my mind still fight for what i am feeling, LOVE. Soon, i realized that i am really damn hurt. I pitied myself so much  that slowly i felt that my heart is not just broken. It is broken into so many little pieces. I myself don't know how to pick up all these pieces and bring it back to what was it once. I searched for ways to make me happy and i am happy for i have friends who tried lifting my spirits. However, inside, they cannot see that i am still torn. I am still unhappy. Yet, i kept my promise. I fight for what i feel for him. I fight without considering my own feelings. It has been the martyr me, as always. I love him...and i know i will continue loving him. But slowly, i am beginning to realized that, we will be loved once we know how to love ourselves. I guess i have given my best. I may be stupid, crazy, childish...i don't care anymore. I know myself better than what other people think. Maybe he isn't just the man for me, maybe it is really time for me to move on with my life. I am tired of fighting for what i feel for him. I am tired of keeping a happy face. I am too confused. I am just to tired of thinking. 

If someone really love you, no matter how stupid, crazy, childish you are, he would be there for you. He would never dare leave you hanging. He will consider what you feel. He would know just by looking in your eyes that you are sad. I love you are not just words that you can say to someone. You must mean it when you say it. Yes, i have love him with all of my heart and God knows how much i love him. God knows how much i have been praying for him. But, whatever it is that God planned for me, i will accept with open arms. I don't regret falling in love and loving this mas. For i have learned so much, i became more mature, i have met wonderful people, and i have realized that i can actually fall in love this much. I know i will not regret my decision because in my mind and in my heart, i know i have fallen deeply in love with someone and this someone is the person whom i have always prayed for to God. 

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. 

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